Interview with Mr. David William Moyes

David Moyes: C'mon, is it me or something...?
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Sir, how are you?

Son, as you can see, I think I'm still doing fine...

So Sir, how would you describe the last 9 months or so you were in charge of a big club like Manchester United? How was the experience…?

I won’t lie to you. It was hectic. Very turbulent. You know...what I mean? I don’t know…

Sir, you got so many people worried. They thought the job was too much for you. Some felt you failed them. What’s your take on this…?

Umm…maybe, I did fail them.

Wait…you don’t actually think so, do you?

No, I have been there too…it’s not like I came new to the English Premiership. Look at what I did at Everton, my track record? So I am confused and surprised myself on how things turned's like I'm jinxed or something...

So you are saying you still feel like you are the right man for the job?

Hmm...well, I'm afraid, I can’t categorically say so, for now. That decision will be made known to you by my oga at the top!

Your oga at the what…? What the fück are you talking about?

(Gives a hollow laugh) Never mind. You won’t understand. It's almost becoming impossible to laugh these days...

Hmm. Alright. Anyway, so what exactly will you say actually went wrong. Heard some of your players didn’t want to play for you, is that right?

It is up to them. Anyway, football is a biatch. So are the fans. Excuse my language. One moment everything seems to be working for you and the fans, they like you. The next moment everything goes kaput and the fans, they want to heap the blame of everything that is wrong with their lives on you. No one seems to remember that the coach can only seat on the dugout to watch for 90 fücking minutes while the whole nitty-gritty of winning a match happens right there on the pitch. It is up to the players to put the ball in the net. That's how games are won! Fück! 

What one or two factors will you say led to your downfall? I mean the slippery banana peels...?

Oh that? One, I think maybe I shouldn't have sacked the former backroom staff...

But you did?

Yes I did because it was necessary. New wine in a new skin…

They said you made Manchester United look somewhat distasteful to players? A statement credited to one of your former players, Anderson Oliviera, quoted that so many of your immediate current players wanted out. What can you say about that? Sir...? Sir...?

Sorry, I can't hear you. Excuse me, what was the question again?

Never mind. Let's move on to another question. You mentioned your achievements at Everton. So what achievements can you point to during your short stay in charge as Manchester United manager?

Well, I got Fellaini even though most people will like to say he’s a flop and a bad buy but I know otherwise because I have been with him for some years and I know the things he can do, the wonders the boy can perform. I know his case is just a matter of time. I also got Mata who I believe some people still believe was a buy bad because they see the boy Juan as a Chelsea reject.

I know I lost a couple of fringe games but at least, to my credit on a personal level, I never lost to Arsenal as a Manchester United manager so I can share that accolade with JośeOkay see, I even gave that fickle-minded Rooney the biggest pay rise in the history of Manchester United just to keep him at the club.

Yes, I couldn't get Cesc Fabregas nor Gareth Bale or even get Cristiano Ronaldo to re-sign…but so what? I am not a player.  It’s up to them to choose where they want to ply their trade. Why put the whole damn blame on me? People should just leave me alone! I still maintain it is up to the players to put the ball in the net.

Mtcheew...What are we even saying? Are these same crop of players not the same guys that won the League last season? What could have changed so much? I guess it's that same age thing I wanted to mention! Damn it

Sir you were not known for this arrogance and angry outbursts. What gives…?

Sorry, I just want to let it off. I think the job changed me.  To tell you the truth, I just want punch somebody right now.

Goodison bound? You bet!
I understand. Should I ask you how were you able to handle all those negative comments and graffiti particularly that graffito accredited to Emmanuel  Frimpong where you were pictured waving down a cab back to Goodison?

Well, what else can I say? Obviously, some guys like the fucked-up lad you mentioned, can only play better on their phones and laptops than on the pitch. Dude couldn't even make it at Arsenal and here he is talking about me going back to Goodison. Of course I read the papers. I see some of those comments. And those horrible graffiti. I don’t fret or sweat it. Sometimes I just laugh over it. It’s all part of the job.

You made a case for more time to be given to you to build your team. But the same cannot be said for your colleague and successor at Everton who actually hit the ground running.

Well, what else can I say to that? Shyt happens. Maybe it was luck, maybe it was all down to the blueprint and well laid ground plans I put in place…you know, laid down for him...

Are your implying that you never got the same treatment at Man U?

Well, not exactly like that…but tell me, what else do you expect me to make out of so many aging players hanging around?

Trying to shift the blame—again, are you sir?

Err…not really. My point is that everybody has got a share of the blame on what exactly went wrong.

So what next sir? What are you planning on? Are you going back to coaching? Or are you going to write a book or something..?

I don’t know. Maybe I should just take some timeout to clear my head. It wasn’t easy and I think I need that break more than anything else and I need it right now. I would have loved to go on a very long holiday with my wife but as you can see, the management even had to cut my severance pay package which I was, seriously, actually counting upon, should worst come to worst…

So sir on a parting note, what advice will you give to your successor? Any laid down plans?

Well, if he really wants to succeed, he must get rid of all those old players. And I mean all of them!

You mean the likes of Van Persie, Vidic, Ferdinand?

You put the words into my mouth. Yes.  All those grumblers. Giggs…and Evra, Carrick and whaddafuck is his name again, yes, Nani. He should get rid of all of them! Either that or he gets himself a good cardiologist plus a very good masseur to calm his jumpy nerves after every single match.

(Talking to himself) The shithead van Persie grumbling and saying he doesn’t like my style which he claims is causing him a lot of injuries. What a sham! Dude is forgetting that he spent almost all his entire career at Arsenal physio. (Suddenly raises his voice) Shit! To hell with all of them!

OK sir, I think that will be it for now. Thanks for your time, Bill. It was nice talking to you. Hope to see and talk to you again soon.


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