10 Reasons Why I don’t Like Attending Weddings

Happily Married: Till Death Do Us Part
image courtesy of stockimages/freedigitalphotos.net
Are you planning to invite me to your wedding? Please, don’t be offended but I am not promising I am going to be there. This is because I hate attending weddings – it doesn't matter if it is yours or my brother’s or cousin’s, or your uncle's, or my boss's, whomever, okay?

I know it might come as a rude shock to you but the truth is that I don’t like attending weddings. Yes, I said it but please before you start wondering if there is anything wrong with me that is responsible for me saying that I don’t fancy attending an occasion or to partake and share the fun in a ceremony where the newly wedded couples are radiating so much joy and happiness together with their well-wishers, and their family members and all that, please hear me out first.

Okay, first off, something is very wrong me. I am more like an incorrigible introvert so that might help you in understanding some of my views I am expressing here. Secondly, when I go to any occasion, be it weddings, parties, church, I pay attention to so many (odd) things you might not even believe someone in his right senses will be observing. Just to give you an idea of what I am trying to say, this is the type of thing I often do or see in the church. Don’t be alarmed because that’s just me. Always imagining things like this, always searching for odd things because I just happen to dig oddities – a lot!

But apart from that, these are some of the reasons why I may not attend your wedding assuming you even remember not to forget to send me an invitation card.

Weddings are so similar…and so predictable
What? You may not understand why I have a problem with that but that might be because you've not been attending as much Christian (mostly Catholic) weddings as I have, lately.

The fact that most of these weddings are so similar simply translates to so so boring to me.

Without even seeing the order of proceeding, you can always guess rightly that the events will start from the church with the wedding mass and with its boring sermonizing, followed by the group photographs, and then followed by the reception, which will be delayed as the audience wait for the newly wedded to take the stage, followed by the invitation of the special guests of honor to the high table, followed by the entrance of the bridal train, which will then be followed by opening prayers by the Father of the Day, followed by the cutting of cake where some people are called upon to give some useless interpretations on how the cake was cut by the couples, followed by the toast, and then followed by the serving of guests, followed by the dance by the couples, and the spraying of money, and then followed by …oh shit, spare me, please!

Boring fucking rituals…

Even the souvenirs presented at the end of weddings are not left out of the predictability…Of course, they are usually made of china or plastic or just papers!

I sincerely wish I will one day, attend a wedding whereby most of those steps are either substituted with something more fun, skipped or juggled or even completely left out.

But will that ever happen? In Nigeria?


Everything is hurried
I hate the hurry, the rush. In fact, I hate anything that has anything to do with hurrying so this should never come to you as a surprise.

Why are we as people in this life always in a hurry?

The truth is that since that wedding day was supposed to be the special day in the lives of the newly wedded, why don’t we the attendants just chill it and give the couple our time?

Look, I know what you might be thinking but don’t tell me the rush is because the couples needs some time to themselves to get fully acquainted with each other and have time to enjoy themselves very well that special night and bla bla bla because if the truth must be told and if what I am thinking you mean by that statement is what you really mean, then you have no argument because they must have been enjoying themselves so many times before the wedding day or else they wouldn't have agreed to get married in the first place. Besides, there’s always a next time after all, tomorrow is another day – to handle that type of business.

Truth is that I hate how everything is being hurried. I hate it when the MC announces that everything will be over in the next one hour or so. First, because it is lie. Secondly, because this will then kickoff that same hurry I mentioned.

Is it not a complete waste of time on my part if I traveled all the way from Enugu to attend your wedding in Lagos only for me to start making the journey back to Enugu after just two or three hours later? Not to mention the risk involved, too.

The couples don’t even help matters at times. Seriously speaking, I would have loved it if you chose a public holiday for your wedding day. Or even a Sunday just to dampen the amplitude of the hurry-hurry frequency. Or even make it to last for …you know…two days…like Saturday and Sunday…just saying…

And you guys even complicate things and make this hurry to get worse if the traditional marriage and the white church wedding are scheduled to take place the same day. I would have loved it if your wedding schedule would afford me the time to really savor the food and the drinks and even ask for more, if the need arises. Yeah, I know I never told you I am an excellent gourmet, did I?

Just like I didn't mention I can easily, just like a chameleon, become an excellent extrovert, if and when the need arises which means I would have also loved to use that same opportunity to chat up with the bridesmaids, get to interact and mingle with more people, you know…see if I could search, spot and carefully screen for the ones who might be Mrs. Me since most girls at most wedding look so preeettty and sweeeetttt – and false!

Of course, as a student of personology, I love doing this a lot. I like studying peoples’ faces because there are lots and lots of information to be grasped about such persons just by looking at their faces because our faces reveal a lot about ourselves.

So will there ever be enough time for me to study the faces and swags of the different people who attended so as to get to meet the bigwigs; I mean the movers and shakers of the society that also attended the same wedding who might contribute immensely by giving me the right connection that will make me the next big thing?

Look, what I am saying. They’ve not said the closing prayers and most of the seats are already empty as most guests are already leaving. Where are they going? Don’t ask me. Go ask them, I am not the one hurrying to leave.


The Uninvited Guests
In most weddings, there is no way to determine those who were invited and those who were not unless you have that kind of time to waste after all, it’s an open secret that some invited guests also invite their own guests who might also feel like inviting their own guests.

These uninvited guests are usually the problem. They are the ones who make it impossible for the food and drinks to go round so that everybody will be satisfied. Thinking about it now, I think they are the ones who make the budget of the wedding to be doubled or tripled thus straining the financial muscles of the young couple and their sponsors!

They are also the ones who are ready to cause a scene or a fight. They are most likely the ones who might just easily succumb to the temptation and steal other peoples’ important belongings at such gathering. They can insult, and demand for more food, and they take more bottles of beer than is required.

And yet, they are the ones who will never give you any gift. Of course, what do you expect? They were uninvited, remember?

Damn it.

I am saying this and I won’t say it again. On my wedding day, I would like to know everyone who came, if possible, on first name basis. Of course, I know I am going to shake hands with everybody who attended.

And if I come across you and I find out you don’t know me from Adam and I don’t know you from Adam, and I'm sure my wife doesn't know you either, hmm...I am going to wring your hands when you bring it out to shake mine, until you cry out in pains. Unless you hand me over a fat envelope as gift then and there, I am going to personally see to it that you are thrown out of the venue. (Or maybe, caged and flogged severely like that fucked up guy in the Bible!)

You see, I am not afraid of what you’ll do next. After all, it’s my special day and I can do to you whatever I wish.

At least when you get home, you will always have one or two reasons to tell people that you have and will never attend such type of wedding in your life – again!

My utmost happiness is that you won’t use the word boring in describing my wedding, just like I also know you won’t be bold enough to tell them why I almost destroyed your phalanges with that solid grip of mine.

Photographers buzzing about
I can’t count the number of wedding that I have been to where I missed the key moments just because of all these nonsense photographers buzzing about, some with sophisticated cameras, most with their outdated and heavy equipment, some with their Tecno smart phones, and some with their cheap digital cameras that can only flash four rounds and the battery dies.


I always miss the cutting of cake, the unveiling of the ‘virgin’ wife, the exchanging of rings in the church and most importantly the exchange of kiss between the couple. All thanks to all those rubbish professional and rubbish non professional camera men (and women) milling about and blocking my view.

Those are my highest point in any wedding because I always want to go home with such images firmly planted in my photographic memory to practice and practice and replay in my mind in preparation and readiness for my own special day and to see if there’s anything I might like to add to it, like giving the public what I know even without being told they have been secretly wishing they would see one day, something like taking my time in squeezing my wife’s boobs while kissing her in the public just to test and see if I would still get an erection or something…

Yes, you are right. I am crazy!

I have never stopped to relish that moment when I fast-forward to the scene when I will be kissing my sweet wife’s succulent red full lips in the full glare of the public, and yes you guessed it right, most especially before her father of all persons and the man will be grinning furiously although feigning unconcernedly at the same time at me while I am grinning back happily at him, enjoying his discomfort, because I know that he knows that I know that he cannot stop me as the kissing starts to linger and get wetter and wetter while my hands are firmly cupping and squeezing her daughter’s bum bum right before his very eyes!

And the best part, people are clapping and cheering me on! And calling me Rude Boy!

Don’t blame me. I didn’t start the torture. He did, that time when he was mentioning a huge bride price and I was grinning from ear to ear like an automaton.

Sorry, I digressed so much. What was I even talking about? Umm…umm…yes the photographers, right?

Yes. The worst is that when it comes to taking the so called photographs, some of these photographers do not even know a thing or should I say, give a hoot about the background of the pictures they are taking. Maybe, they think Adobe Photoshop has all the answers.

It’s just point and snap and…repeat…and then “Sir, please you haven’t paid me o!”

See, let me tell all you camera and paparazzi guys one thing. On my own wedding day, two things you must know.

First, I pay attention to details so you must be ready to get everything perfect, most especially that public kiss. Secondly, you must sign a document where you agree not to be blocking peoples’ views. Of course, you must be an accredited cameraman or photographer or else get ready for your cameras, camera phones,  and even your iPads to be seized from you and maybe, never to be returned, even if I don’t smash it on the floor.

I don’t care. Of course, I trust that, just like my father-in-law, you know that you won’t do anything to me. It’s still my special day, remember?

It’s all about showing off
That’s one thing I hate about most weddings. The show off is just too much. Let’s start from the groom in his impeccable tuxedo. He is trying to show off and tell the world that he’s a great and responsible guy who has got his eyes only for one special woman. Great, yeah let’s clap for him!

But it’s a big lie because I have caught him eyeing the chief bridesmaid’s exposed cleavage on several occasions. And I’m like why’s he (still) doing that?

And by the way, don’t ask me what I was looking at to have seen that, okay?

The chief bridesmaids herself is not doing badly with her own showing off, trying to look so shiny and pretty, even prettier than the bride so that, maybe she’ll be able to seize the opportunity and use her charms to catch the eye of some interested guys or even this handsome best man by the groom’s side only that the dude has suddenly developed a roaming attention deficit hyperactivity disorder or rADHD due to the so many other fine chicks who are not doing badly in showing off their awesome shapely figures in those cute attires of theirs.

The bride herself is not left out as she’s also showing off her beauty and trying to look prettier than she can ever be, all thanks to make-ups and all that and she’s equally showing off a good deal of her cleavages and her back, maybe to show the guys for the last time what they are going to be missing as from now, who knows? And she’s even doing all that showing off in a very expensive wedding dress showing it off to the world for the last time either because she’s not going to wear it again, at least with this same guy or she will be returning it to where she rented it from. You don’t have to blame her, it’s a woman’s thing, and all she wants is her wedding to be the best and most colorful ever!


The in-laws too? Of course, both parties not wanting to be outdone will be trying to show off to the other party (plus to whomever it might concern) that the other party got the best deal by choosing either their son or daughter with that proud though silly smile dancing on their faces that sometimes makes me feel like walking up to where they are seated and smacking someone hard across the face just to wipe that moronic smirk off their faces and juggle them back to reality!

The guests are also showing off, with their expensive clothes, and footwears, and perfumes, and hairstyles, and also with the all that comfy big and classy and flashy cars parked outside.

Watch the guys and the way they prance about in their impeccable tuxedos and well ironed traditional attires just to make you feel their swag. The women in uniform will do anything to impress you into believing that they are The Happening Women with their big head ties and dark sunshades. The young ladies are not left out. I can swear some of these girls intentionally do some serious catwalks in some of these weddings I have attended.

It’s okay.

Even the camera men, no camera women this time around, sometimes, also like to show off. Girlfriend, don’t think I don’t see what you are doing when you march forward to the place where the couple are seated to take your picture of them – in your very tight miniskirt.

Like my boy 2pac once said, ‘if you’ve got it, you better flaunt it!’, believe me, you are doing the right thing and you are doing a lot of men so much good when you bend forward to get the right shot and your ass juts backwards and so many guys will silently pray you hold that pose a little while longer so that they will get a clear shot of your big and round ass, curvy hips and thighs plus your smooth fine legs. Oh yeah…! Go girl, do it again because it works, believe me!

Oops. I just remembered that since I am a puritan, I don’t watch such scenes…ha ha ha.

OK. If you can listen attentively, most of especially to what some of the women seating near you are saying, you will find out that some people just attended to compare notes and find out how this person’s wedding is better than this other person’s or who wore the best cloth or other mindless and nonsensical things of that nature.

This, I really hate.

From the stuffs I also overhear, okay I am not saying you should start eavesdropping into every little conversation when you attend any wedding or function, but a little awareness of what is going on around you will not do you any harm, I guess. So, from the things I often hear, I get the feeling that some people are just attending the wedding to prove, that is, show off their loyalty to the couple and/or their respective families because those people attended theirs. So, it’s kind of a payback arrangement, their attendance.

This eye service, I also hate.

And so, just like those our best photogenic pictures most of us normally upload on Facebook, everybody is just showing off consciously or otherwise, in one way or the other.

Weddings present the perfect venue for people to display their wealth and status, their new clothes, their new hairdos, and in fact, their ostentatious and near perfect lifestyle.

But deep down within me, I've always known that all that glitters is not gold.

Disorganization par excellence
Weddings are usually the place where you can get the best opportunity to experience human disorganization in its highest and purest form.

Sometimes, there is serious haphazard planning and arrangement of things. In fact, you find out that so many things don’t go as planned. Seats are either provided in surplus or are inadequate.

I can’t count the number of weddings I have been to where the proceedings were delayed for much longer simply because the reception venue is still being set and arranged by those whose job is to fix the place, and I am like don’t they know a wedding reception is taking place there! Or simply because the special guests of honor are not showing up on time, as a result of one thing or any other excuse best known to them, and I am like didn't someone inform them on time that they are the special guests of honor!

Hmm… wow! Anyway, let’s blame that on the usual very popular culprit – African time!

Sometimes, I look around and I don’t seem to see the arrangement that is put in place just in case it starts to rain, assuming the reception is taking place in an open area. Sometimes too, I notice the canopies provided are not enough to provide cover and shade from the sun or rain but I just wave it off and blame that on the number of the uninvited guests that might turn up which introduces a certain level of uncertainty in the whole plan.

You, the wedding planner, why do you want to serve your guest with drinks that are not chilled? I hate it when more than one person is served with the same plate and spoons which were ‘washed’ with tissue papers not minding the hygienic implications of doing such a shoddy thing because there are not enough plates or when people are served fufu with soup and no water is provided so that they can wash the same hand they are going to eat with.

Sometimes, you find out that some people don’t just want to sit where they were allocated to. Some of these mad people will just carry the seat and off they go to the place where they will be isolated or to form their own small special group. Why they do this is what I will never even try to understand!

Sometimes, the people serving food and drinks do so haphazardly thus making it possible for them not to recognize where they stopped or where they should start next thus making it possible for some people not to be served at all. People are told that there are no more meat in the rice unless they want to eat the food like that. How all the meat disappeared, I don’t know.

No, wait, actually I think I have an idea of what is happening. Of course, I suspect this sudden meat disappearance might have something to do with that class thing whereby people are consciously and unconsciously classified based on their position in the society and/or their relationship and closeness with the couple.

And it might also be those Uninviteds again, who may have shamelessly switched their seats to get another shot at the food being served, of course. Or maybe, it must be those women who make it a point to always have more than their fair share so that they will have some take away which they will give to their beloved ones they left at home. So much love, if you ask me.

What about the music? Sometimes, the music can easily become wacky or just pure noise. Sometimes, you find yourself wondering if certain music should be played or not, and/or for whose listening pleasure are they designed for.

The wacked DJ with his wacked sound system is doing his murderous thing playing some local highlife because elders don’t and won’t understand 50 Cent lyrics.

Worse still, he’s doing that at full blast. And even worse still, he doesn't care if your ear drums are being torn apart since he can’t hear the noise he’s causing since his ears are plugged with his headphones while his fingers are scratching away. So my jittery nerves can keep up jumping up and down as his heavy beats continues to pound and assault my stomach and eardrums, after all, at the end of the day, he’s getting paid – maybe, for slowly destroying my ability to hear!

And the live band too, if they are invited, are doing some good bad job in remixing the songs of certain artistes and from the way their voices are croaking, you wonder if they were high on something or not before coming.

The fact is that everybody is confused and disorganized. Of course, like I said earlier, it is usually because everybody is in a kind of hurry.

The wasting of food
You may not even notice this but that’s probably because you have hurriedly left the scene and the only people left behind are those who you have given the difficult task of cleaning up the mess you've made.

The truth is that so many foods are going to be thrown away after the wedding. Either because they were hoarded or because they were, sorry to say it, not so tasty.

Drinks in the bottle are left half empty in the bottles suggesting that some people didn't even bother to take them as they were only interested in opening the bottle just to have a few sips.

If you know you are already filled up, why order for more food? Why is it that you don’t know or have a gauge when it comes to alcohol consumption? Is it because you are not the one buying those bottles of beer, that’s why you want to drink yourself to stupor and make sure that none remains after you are gone?

Similarly, if you know you don’t like drinking soft drinks when they are not chilled, then why bother to open the bottle only to throw them under your seats, maybe, just to punish whomever you think you are punishing…

Some of you even break some of those bottles while some of you might even try to steal, okay let me just say you borrowed the drinks without permission, maybe to give your kids at home, while forgetting that you are causing a great loss for the newly wedded and their sponsors by not returning those empty bottles?

I hate to see such wastage of food and financial resources.

Anyway, I’m sure it won’t happen to me and I have laid my plans down. I am already making arrangements and compiling the names of those my good friends who are in the poultry or piggery business to name their price concerning the food I am going to be supplying them after my wedding instead of throwing the whole thing away.

Oh yes, every opportunity can be turned into business, or don’t you know?

Makes me think of divorce
When I see the happiness in the faces of the couples and the people gathered in any wedding, sometimes, a certain disturbing and shocking thought flashes through my mind and I don’t feel so happy.


Somehow, I just find myself imagining and having this thought of what it might be like plus the kind of expression that would be on their faces should difficult problems that lead to problems like divorce ever occur. Will they be able to make the necessary concessions that are required for a marriage to be successful? Can they agree to disagree amicably without necessarily calling on third parties to solve their problems? Will they be able to play their respective roles right? So many things go through my mind. I find myself wondering if they would be able to handle marital problems maturely when such starts to creep in.

Get me right. It is not actually about them, it is about me. I am not wishing anybody divorce, neither am I trying to say that divorce is now part and parcel of  every marriage or that I must be divorced myself one day but then, it’s just that as much as I try, I cannot easily ignore or wave aside the possibility, just like that.

That’s me. The thing with me is that I always try to contemplate the possibility of something terrible like that happening – to me – if not for anything, but just to figure out what I might do in such a situation. I am that way so I can’t help it. Like the two-faced Janus, I always try to see if I can see the end of any movie while I am still at the beginning just like I also like to see and consider all the sides to any argument.

Of course, this might only be as a result of the fact that I am also aware that happiness and sadness are always following us around. One moment you might be so happy and everything is so perfect and it seems like our lives are on a perfect cruise control, the next moment, something bad happens…maybe ugly and forgotten stuffs from our past comes up to ruin everything and …shit, and it’s all gone! And then, sadness creeps in to keep us company.

Besides, one other thing that scares me is that I am also aware that love, this great love people share between themselves, sometimes, usually, slowly and eventually ebbs away. Most couples I see on their wedding days look as if the wedding itself is the magical wand that will wave away all their problems and keep them happy forever. Good for them, if that happens.

But me, I recognize very well the import and the deep meaning of the  for better; for worse vow and I find myself wondering how and if they are going to be capable to handle that “for worse” part which is expected to come one day, no matter how much they try to deny it. And I find myself silently praying for them in the deepest recess of my heart that this happiness which they are sharing right now will continue and last for them for a very long time in their lives.

To tell you the truth, nothing hurts and depresses me so much than when I hear or see what terrible and malicious things married couples say about each other, the name calling, the trading and slinging insults back and forth at each other, like immature kids, after the breakup when their love has died.

I try to put myself in their situation and I can’t get over the pain, the disappointment and the shock of hearing or seeing my so called love of my life now calling me a heartless and incurable cheater just because we are no longer together. Will I reply her and call her a greedy and useless woman who only wants to reap where she did not sow? Just think about it, do you know how it feels when a woman says she regrets marrying her ex-husband? Or how hopeless and depressing it sounds when a man says marrying his ex-wife was the greatest mistake of his life! Or one of them telling the other one that s/he regrets or curses the day they first met.

Jeeze. Think I’m getting the heebie-jeebies again!

Somehow, the whole wedding scenario tries to make it look as if everything is perfect. But in any situation where humans are involved, much less in a union between two different persons who until they met, had nothing much in common, I instinctively know that the reverse is usually the case because I already know that the ‘they lived happily ever after’ of thing is oftentimes one of the biggest mirages in the world!

Shyte. I’d rather you just spare me all that tumultuous moments with all that depressing and scaring thoughts about ever getting married?

My ideal wedding doesn’t exist – yet
My ideal wedding doesn’t have a lot of guests. If I’m asked to mention a figure, I’d say not more than 100 - 150 guests, the lesser the better! Don’t be alarmed as I have a reason for that. The church service will not last for more than one hour. And that includes the group photographs too. Then the reception will not last for more than 45 - 60 minutes.

You might think it rushing but me I’ll like to think it’s satisfying your customers with super fast service delivery, kind of! You know I told you I don’t like rushing things, huh? But if you insist you like to rush, then let’s do it like the Russians – with everything precisely timed!

The soft music will be something from Don Williams, preferably. No highlife. No Osadebe. No Flavour N’Abania. No Oliver De Coque. No Morroco Maduka. Strange right? Yeah, that’s the plan.

Maybe some P Square and D’Banj and Duncan Mighty and yeah, Kcee’s Limpopo but definitely no lurid music like Veecko Kingz’s My Cap(Ikpu ya) or even Iyanya’s All I want is your waist to prevent some other correct guys around (minus myself, hopefully…?) from sending the wrong message to the any of the pretty but unattached single ladies around that all the guy want is their waists (even though, come to think of it right now, it is partly true, in a way, you know?!) Of course, no Wizkid. And no reggae too. 

Don’t be surprised as I believe you should already know by now I always want something different – and new!

The guests are served with their own refreshment and food as soon and quickly as possible. And while they are chilling off, I will use the opportunity to tell them the juicy and entertaining story of how I finally met and hooked up with my missing rib. Of course, you don’t have to believe everything I tell you in such tales because I think I should warn you and you should know I know how to spin some fantastic yarns!

Later, my wife will be called upon to give the single ladies present some tips and advice on how to get their own men to commit, just like she was able to get me, the eternal bachelor, to do the unimaginable and finally commit – to one person! Of course, she might not know it but I have been seriously wondering how she managed to pull it off!

Ahem…when it’s finally dance time, I will use the opportunity to give our guests something to talk about when they go back to their respective homes. They will get the opportunity to watch me do my thing with my Beloved as they will get to see the result of the pains I have taken in mastering those dance steps I have been practicing to give them so many days before the wedding day just for their viewing pleasure. I know you will find it very difficult to believe but I can do the Michael Jackson's Moonwalk like it’s nothing!

My guests and fans will never be disappointed. On a second thought, well…, I might also consider putting up a short 120 minutes+ raunchy dance video on YouTube strictly for those who are 18+.  One thing I know guys, if you like Shakira, and what she does so well with her waist, you’ll definitely like what you’ll see! I know you guys will like that, or won’t you?

When it comes to exchange of gifts, the guests are thanked in a very special way for gracing the occasion. Yes, about the souvenirs I mentioned, I am planning to give away stuffs like DVDs, laptops and ultrabooks, digital cameras, satellite TV decoders, flat screens, iPhones, BlackBerry and so many other smart phones, trainers and football boots, original club jerseys for the football addicts and packet shirts, refrigerators, PDAs, microwaves, watches, cartons of tin milk of beverages, recharge cards etc. just to show you my heartfelt appreciation for coming to my wedding.

So you can now see why I want to keep that number of invited guests that low and manageable and why I still maintain I wouldn't like it if you go out on your own and invite your own guests after I have invited you so as to not to overstrain my own financial muscle unless you want me to revert to china plates, plastic buckets and plastic hand fans, calendars and exercise books? Is that what you want? Believe it or not, I am also prepared for that!

And then the vote of thanks.

And then the honeymoon starts from thence immediately and lasts forever.

The pressure to get married
Oh yeah, forget everything I have told you so far. Believe it or not, this is what I hate most about attending weddings because with each wedding I attend, it’s like a countdown clock, I am always being reminded of my own wedding to come and how to make it happen asap. That very message is quite subtle, very subliminal and yet so clear. And so disturbing too.

Are you surprised to hear that? Well, it’s not like I don’t want to get married. Of course I do. In fact, I want to get married today, right now. But the thing I hate most is that feeling of being forced or pressured into doing it because everybody, including most of my friends, is doing it not minding if it feels right or not at that time.

I made the first and last mistake of attending a wedding with my mom. After the wedding, for more than six fucking weeks to follow, it was always this wedding this, that wedding that, your wedding this, your wedding that.

Of course, I got the full implied message!

And…fucked, I was.

There is always this talking of the aftermath of the wedding and you see people, mostly girls though, wishing they would be the next brand new couple in town and I am like…what tha f —?

The thing is that I don’t want to be bothered on such things. Okay let me tell you the truth. Don’t mind what I said earlier. I don’t want to get married yet because I’m afraid of making long term commitments, and of promises and the set of rules that I MUST keep so as not to hurt her, jeopardize my life or at worst, disappoint the whole society. And I hate playing by the rules...

But seeing married couples with the warmth and intense love for each other radiating from them and their beautiful and happy kids running all over them is the ultimate joy suggesting that there is this something you are missing if you are not married…this something that makes you drop all the flightiness and start wanting to get your own family and having your own sweet kids!

Wow! What a bitter-sweet conundrum!

So, it looks like in the end I will still go ahead and get married. In fact, to show you how serious I am, I have made all the plans. I know when I am finally getting married and God willing, it is exactly going to happen in the next thirty years, although I have never mentioned this to anyone except you and that’s because I trust you will keep my secret. I even know the month, the day and the venue, but I am not telling you that one right now, sorry.


All the same, I’m afraid, seriously. If someone with such a long term aspirations like me is already feeling the pressure, how about the so many single ladies who I also see at such wedding flashing some smiles? I hope those smiles are not just crocodile smiles?


Okay, now I’ve said it and now you know why I might not be so disposed to grace your wedding ceremony. My question now is: will knowing this stop you from attending my own wedding knowing that I didn’t attend yours?

Anyway, to me, it really doesn't matter because that depends on if you, or better still, let me say what remains of you after Alzheimer’s disease have finished its job of ravishing and having its unadulterated fun with you and taking its toll on you before stepping aside for his cousin Parkinson’s disease to take over from where he stopped to continue with the undiluted ravaging; will still be around when I will be having mine in thirty years’ time, don’t forget.

Oh, poor you.

Ha ha ha ha…


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